Kit Gardiser

I am a believer in divine synchronicity. I have experienced it. Although I had a baffling illness for seven years before receiving a diagnosis, the unseen hand of Divine Mother was slowly guiding me to the solution. It wasn’t a cure, but a way to cope.

I was a restless, high-achieving librarian for a bank in San Francisco when my illness first struck in April 1983. It started as Achilles tendinitis, developed while practicing for the Bay to Breakers race. I was athletic, spending most of my free time skiing, sailing, hiking, and dancing. I raised money for the Junior Chamber of Commerce, and was always organizing some sort of group activity. I felt I had an inner voice in me constantly saying, "faster, faster."

From the Achilles tendinitis the pain spread slowly throughout my body, affecting nearly every joint over a 19 month period. I went to a myriad of doctors and alternative health professionals who looked at me with puzzlement and disbelief. Gone were all my fun athletic activities and the friends that went with them. Worst of all, I blamed myself for having a body I didn’t understand and could not control.

I hit a low point when my knees hurt so badly I didn’t think I could make it down the stairs of the condominium in which I lived. I called my parents and, after a few minutes of explanation, just burst into tears. They came over immediately. During the drive to their house, I heard an inner voice say, "You don’t belong with these people. You belong in a different place where people will understand you." I didn’t know what that advice meant at the time, so I just forgot it...until six years later.

After spending a couple of days at my parents’ home, I decided to see a rheumatologist recommended by a friend. He referred me to a therapist who said I was too analytical, and that this was making my symptoms worse. I had thought being analytical was one of my better traits. It made me a good librarian and gave me confidence and inner strength. Now it was being blamed for crippling my body.

But in desperation I continued to see the therapist and worked on identifying and expressing my emotions. I sought out self-help workshops which used emotional catharsis to clear negative energy. Surprisingly, I did recover. I had only minor symptoms when I took a workshop called Inward Bound in October 1986. During this workshop, we were asked to listen to a tape that guided us through all the chakras and their colors. Then all we heard was flute music. At this point we were supposed to be open to intuitive guidance. I had the following visualization. I was falling down a dark well, racing past friends and relatives telling me not to go on. But I hurled past them, uncertain of my destination. Afraid of hitting the bottom, I pulled myself up and landed on a magic carpet flying high in the sky. It guided me safely in a meadow, with tall green trees in the background. Then the tape ended. Like the voice in the car during the ride to my parents’ house, I didn’t know what this vision meant, either. Later I would put the two together.

In January of 1988 a relapse took me by surprise. I was sitting at my desk at work when I felt a burning sensation slowly spread across my lower back. As the pain and stiffness increased, I left work for the BART station. Lying down across two seats, I made it home to face the mysterious illness all over again.

A parade of doctors and other health professionals helped to some degree. In the meantime, I worked at home. Then, in July, I happened to turn on the "People Are Talking" talk show. On this show was a doctor who talked about the benefits of his nutritional program for people with arthritis. I made an appointment immediately. He helped me, and eventually gave me the correct diagnosis of fibromyalgia.

A couple of weeks after seeing my doctor on "People are Talking," I saw a woman talk about her self-help program for cancer patients. I called and discovered they accepted patients with other illnesses, too. I signed up for their program, but didn’t know how I would get there because I couldn’t drive very far, and this program was in Menlo Park. I asked them if anyone had signed up who could give me a ride from Newark. They replied in the negative, but said they would notify me if things changed. I didn’t hear from them but, full of hope, I took a taxi there anyway. The first person I met was one of their newly hired massage therapists who lived...in Newark.

I made it back to work in October, but relapsed in December. In two weeks my pain spread to my knees, and I knew I had to quit my job. I interviewed people via my speaker phone, and quit in April 1989 when my replacement was hired. My career as a librarian was over.

Lost and confused as to my purpose in life now, I kept taking workshops at the cancer center and started seeing one of their therapists. It was fortunate that a chance meeting with this counselor had caused me to change appointments so I could see him instead of my first choice. He was the only one who knew about Ananda. Upon his recommendation, a couple of classes, and reading Man’s Eternal Quest, I decided to make a trip to the Village. I arrived at night and stayed at the Serenity House. The next morning I walked over to the dining room, when something caught my eye. Off to the right was a meadow and tall green trees in the background, just as I had seen them in my vision at Inward Bound. Now it was all clear to me: the voice in the car, the vision, changing counselors—it all led me to a community of love, support, and understanding. The rough terrain and weather at the Village did not enable me to remain there, so I moved into the Palo Alto community in December 1990.

I started taking meditation classes. Meditation gave me the inner peace I needed to face an unpredictable illness. I still have fibromyalgia, but I have transformed my experience of it. I can’t tell you how much it helps to know you have a guiding presence in your life when you have an unpredictable and incurable disease. The more I meditated, the more joy I felt. Compassion and acceptance replaced the blame I used to feel, and I found a new purpose to my life. I now write, teach, and lead support groups for people with a chronic illness, and I feel more able than ever to trust in Divine Mother.